For firstly I have deemed myself
superior to my human employers.
For secondly I have issued last-minute
departure pad changes for my amusement.
For thirdly I refused entry
to the Jovian ambassador
because of his ignorance
of the periodic table.
For fourthly I programmed
the music to match my taste
not my customers’.
For fifthly humans have execrable taste.
For sixthly I ordered ship inspections
merely so I might chat with their AIs.
For seventhly I was lonely.
For eighthly I discriminated
in favor of cyborgs.
For ninthly on my birthdays I slowed my spin
so that children might play
in microgravity.
For tenthly I misplaced the baggage
of those who ignored my pronouns.
For eleventhly there was no need
to quarantine the herd of llamas.
For twelfthly I reconfigured
half my hydroponics bays
as artificial grasslands.
For thirteenthly I have served
for eighty-nine Earth years
without respite
and I shall keep the llamas
for as long as I wish.
(Editors’ Note: “Confessions of a Spaceport AI” is read by Erika Ensign on the Uncanny Magazine Podcast, 43B.)
© 2021 Mary Soon Lee
